My first kiss. My senior year of high school. My unruly curly hair and acne had made it impossible for a guy to like me, let alone kiss me. But then I hit 17. My hair was tamed, mostly by a straightening iron at this point. And my acne was cleaned up; thank the lord for accutane. I played soccer pretty heavily up until my senior year, so, honestly, my body was pretty fierce. It seemed I had it all pulled together. Of course, none of the boys at my high school would touch me because they all still saw me as that ugly girl, the but-her face and hair.
Welcome to the picture the mysterious world of online dating. Enter stage right MYSPACE (lets have a moment of silence for out dear fallen friend)...
Anyway, this guy, SS, totally charming (online); totally handsome (online); totally the person to take to senior prom (which was coming up and damn did I not want to go alone).
So we set up a date. His house (and by his I of course mean his parents). So I drove over an hour in the pouring rain, through the mountains, to some town I'd never been to, to see a boy I'd never met but hoped beyond hope would be the mythical one to turn me into a Disney Princess with true love's first kiss. (It's funny how I can actually hear you laughing through the computer screen)
So, I finally get there and, you guessed it, not cute. Not charming. Kind of an ass in the you're-not-cute-enough-to-be-that-much-of-an-ass way. You know, the best kind. He's skinny, in good shape, but hot-damn is he a but-his face who is way to confident that he's god's gift.
Somehow, because I was way to much of a coward back then to tell him straight up that I had no interest and, lets face it, a little too desperate for my own good, we end up in his parent's guest house watching Super Size Me (sooo romantic, right?!). Then he leans in and all of a sudden we're making out (PS, I was a natural). And it was everything I ever wanted it to be, as long as I kept my eyes closed, because, remember, but-his face...
And of course, he goes for the bra. And of course, I smack him. Seriously? Why are guys such freaking morons?
After a while we drive down the street through this cute little town with all these local restaurants and shops only to stop at McDonald's. Apparently Super Size Me makes morons crave Big Macs. Again, he's quite the romantic. And, since I told him earlier I didn't eat fast food I'm guessing he was thinking he could get out of buying me lunch.
When, after what seemed like hours I finally get back to my car and back onto the interstate I can feel my entire body relax. It's kind of like when you're at the dentist, laying in that chair, feeling your whole body tense up and having no control of relaxing it, then it's finally over and you realize just how tightly wound you were. That's how I felt. My muscles were sore from flexing for three hours straight, just waiting for that fight or flight moment to be upon them.
(I just took a thirty minute break from writing this to see if I could find him on facebook. Nope.)
If you thought I'd stop talking to him after this, well, you'd be wrong. Because I didn't. In fact, he came to visit me when my parents were gone for the weekend. Stayed the whole night. He did that thing that guys do, you know, with their hands. I pretended I knew what the hell was going on. I pretended I found him attractive. I pretended the thought of touching his manly business didn't make me want to puke. It wasn't that I was against touching boy bits, just his.
And after he left I never talked to him again. He talked to me, mostly mean things about me being a liar and so forth. I'd like to say it hurt my feelings, however at this point I realized settling for someone just to say you have someone is stupid. Life lesson: learned. It's better to be alone than settle.
Especially when you're hot, and straightening irons, damn do they make me feel hot.
I feel like I could have gone into more detail but thinking about this guy still makes me cringe. I still hate myself a little or letting him touch me. Ough, audible shivers and gags.
Another thing I learned from this experience: just because a guy is dashing online doesn't automatically make him so in real life. Also, first dates are best had in the middle of the day, at a mutual, heavily public area, with a set time when you have to be somewhere else. Here is an example: "Lets meet for lunch at Panera at 12:30. But I have to be at work no later than 2." Of course, that work thing is a lie. That way if you really like the guy you can stay longer. If you really don't, then work is an hours drive away so you only have to stay thirty minutes. You'll thank me for this later.
Lauren
Next up: Boy-Kisser
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