Great opening line for two girls in a bar, right? Not so much for the guy you're seeing and his friend, Steve or John or Frank (I honestly have no clue what his name was).
So, to set the scene, senior year of high school. I was trolling the MySpace world for, I'll say it, sexy young boys. That's right, I had not given up after the first time. Ever resilient and optimistic, and a touch stupid. So, I come across a cute face and send it a message (PS I'm very charming over typing). My supreme charm wins me a date after school only a few days later (like I said, charming).
We meet at a grocery store (red flag #1). He's straight edge, because at that point it was still hip to call yourself straight edge when you didn't do anything that you weren't legally allowed to do anyway. Which was cool because I didn't do any of those things either. So we're standing by my car and... I'm trying desperately to remember what happens after this, but I swear this insignificant little prick has left few things of value in my head.
I drove, his license was suspended (red flag #2). But he was good looking and he said all of the right things (a trait I'm realizing a lot of guys posses in excess). I drove us to my grandparent's house, where I had been living while my parents were building our new house. No one was home yet so we hung out in the guest house where my parents were living. I wanted to show him the wonders of yerba matte, because everyone should experience it (seriously, go buy some, so good! Magical mint in my favorite. Much nicer than coffee breath, believe me). So, we were in the tiny kitchen in the house built for midgets where my head almost hit the ceiling. And somehow the matte turned us on so much (it's been known to happen) that we're making out against the counter. And it was glorious! I had never kissed a boy I actually liked before! And let me tell you, it makes a huge difference!
And, of course, being so close to the matte, and still being so very much turned on by it, other things began to happen, each feeling as magical as the last.
Things I learned on that first date:
1) chapstick is not overrated
2) bras are silly
3) fingers are magic (take from that what you will)
4) first date feelings can never be trusted
Chapter Two: Shit.
So, I was so excited to tell my best friend, Felicia, all about this guy.
Things I learned from thinking friends can be trusted:
1) they can't.
Apparently, which I did not know, Brandon (real name, because he isn't good enough for a fake one) had been seeing a girl I went to school with, a girl Felicia was also friends with, a girl I had an acquaintance with. This, I did not know. So, my awesome BFF takes her side in a fight I didn't know existed. Now the whole school knows I hadn't kissed a boy until my senior year, that I was a virgin, and probably a few other things that I still don't know about. I've never really had good luck with friends.
Devastated.
Don't worry. I'll get to the boy kissing next time.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Entry Four: first kiss...
I feel like my last post should have been more magical. I mean, a first kiss should be a big deal. But for me it was just something to get rid of. I had been waiting for so long for someone to notice me and sweep me off my feet, but that's not the way things happen.
This isn't a fond memory for me. Not that it made me cry or kept me awake at night, just that it really didn't hold any meaning for me what so ever. He was just a boy, no more important that someone I would walk past in a grocery store. And I wish that weren't true, but it is.
I read SS's post again, and I really don't like it. But, I think it's because I have no connection to it, other than the fact that I was in it. I feel like I lived it by watching it, not by being in it.
Am i the only one out there who feels this way? Everyone's first kiss couldn't have been magical...
I guess it somewhat mattered to me; I can still smell his cologne, feel his slippery lips. I see the room with the floral couch and the tv in front of it. I see the awkward way we were sitting and how wrong it felt when he tried to hold my hand.
Just wrong, so, so wrong. Wouldn't it be nice if I could say I hadn't felt like that since? Ha!
Such is life,
Lauren
This isn't a fond memory for me. Not that it made me cry or kept me awake at night, just that it really didn't hold any meaning for me what so ever. He was just a boy, no more important that someone I would walk past in a grocery store. And I wish that weren't true, but it is.
I read SS's post again, and I really don't like it. But, I think it's because I have no connection to it, other than the fact that I was in it. I feel like I lived it by watching it, not by being in it.
Am i the only one out there who feels this way? Everyone's first kiss couldn't have been magical...
I guess it somewhat mattered to me; I can still smell his cologne, feel his slippery lips. I see the room with the floral couch and the tv in front of it. I see the awkward way we were sitting and how wrong it felt when he tried to hold my hand.
Just wrong, so, so wrong. Wouldn't it be nice if I could say I hadn't felt like that since? Ha!
Such is life,
Lauren
Entry Three, Guy 1: Super-Size Me, or SS
My first kiss. My senior year of high school. My unruly curly hair and acne had made it impossible for a guy to like me, let alone kiss me. But then I hit 17. My hair was tamed, mostly by a straightening iron at this point. And my acne was cleaned up; thank the lord for accutane. I played soccer pretty heavily up until my senior year, so, honestly, my body was pretty fierce. It seemed I had it all pulled together. Of course, none of the boys at my high school would touch me because they all still saw me as that ugly girl, the but-her face and hair.
Welcome to the picture the mysterious world of online dating. Enter stage right MYSPACE (lets have a moment of silence for out dear fallen friend)...
Anyway, this guy, SS, totally charming (online); totally handsome (online); totally the person to take to senior prom (which was coming up and damn did I not want to go alone).
So we set up a date. His house (and by his I of course mean his parents). So I drove over an hour in the pouring rain, through the mountains, to some town I'd never been to, to see a boy I'd never met but hoped beyond hope would be the mythical one to turn me into a Disney Princess with true love's first kiss. (It's funny how I can actually hear you laughing through the computer screen)
So, I finally get there and, you guessed it, not cute. Not charming. Kind of an ass in the you're-not-cute-enough-to-be-that-much-of-an-ass way. You know, the best kind. He's skinny, in good shape, but hot-damn is he a but-his face who is way to confident that he's god's gift.
Somehow, because I was way to much of a coward back then to tell him straight up that I had no interest and, lets face it, a little too desperate for my own good, we end up in his parent's guest house watching Super Size Me (sooo romantic, right?!). Then he leans in and all of a sudden we're making out (PS, I was a natural). And it was everything I ever wanted it to be, as long as I kept my eyes closed, because, remember, but-his face...
And of course, he goes for the bra. And of course, I smack him. Seriously? Why are guys such freaking morons?
After a while we drive down the street through this cute little town with all these local restaurants and shops only to stop at McDonald's. Apparently Super Size Me makes morons crave Big Macs. Again, he's quite the romantic. And, since I told him earlier I didn't eat fast food I'm guessing he was thinking he could get out of buying me lunch.
When, after what seemed like hours I finally get back to my car and back onto the interstate I can feel my entire body relax. It's kind of like when you're at the dentist, laying in that chair, feeling your whole body tense up and having no control of relaxing it, then it's finally over and you realize just how tightly wound you were. That's how I felt. My muscles were sore from flexing for three hours straight, just waiting for that fight or flight moment to be upon them.
(I just took a thirty minute break from writing this to see if I could find him on facebook. Nope.)
If you thought I'd stop talking to him after this, well, you'd be wrong. Because I didn't. In fact, he came to visit me when my parents were gone for the weekend. Stayed the whole night. He did that thing that guys do, you know, with their hands. I pretended I knew what the hell was going on. I pretended I found him attractive. I pretended the thought of touching his manly business didn't make me want to puke. It wasn't that I was against touching boy bits, just his.
And after he left I never talked to him again. He talked to me, mostly mean things about me being a liar and so forth. I'd like to say it hurt my feelings, however at this point I realized settling for someone just to say you have someone is stupid. Life lesson: learned. It's better to be alone than settle.
Especially when you're hot, and straightening irons, damn do they make me feel hot.
I feel like I could have gone into more detail but thinking about this guy still makes me cringe. I still hate myself a little or letting him touch me. Ough, audible shivers and gags.
Another thing I learned from this experience: just because a guy is dashing online doesn't automatically make him so in real life. Also, first dates are best had in the middle of the day, at a mutual, heavily public area, with a set time when you have to be somewhere else. Here is an example: "Lets meet for lunch at Panera at 12:30. But I have to be at work no later than 2." Of course, that work thing is a lie. That way if you really like the guy you can stay longer. If you really don't, then work is an hours drive away so you only have to stay thirty minutes. You'll thank me for this later.
Lauren
Next up: Boy-Kisser
Welcome to the picture the mysterious world of online dating. Enter stage right MYSPACE (lets have a moment of silence for out dear fallen friend)...
Anyway, this guy, SS, totally charming (online); totally handsome (online); totally the person to take to senior prom (which was coming up and damn did I not want to go alone).
So we set up a date. His house (and by his I of course mean his parents). So I drove over an hour in the pouring rain, through the mountains, to some town I'd never been to, to see a boy I'd never met but hoped beyond hope would be the mythical one to turn me into a Disney Princess with true love's first kiss. (It's funny how I can actually hear you laughing through the computer screen)
So, I finally get there and, you guessed it, not cute. Not charming. Kind of an ass in the you're-not-cute-enough-to-be-that-much-of-an-ass way. You know, the best kind. He's skinny, in good shape, but hot-damn is he a but-his face who is way to confident that he's god's gift.
Somehow, because I was way to much of a coward back then to tell him straight up that I had no interest and, lets face it, a little too desperate for my own good, we end up in his parent's guest house watching Super Size Me (sooo romantic, right?!). Then he leans in and all of a sudden we're making out (PS, I was a natural). And it was everything I ever wanted it to be, as long as I kept my eyes closed, because, remember, but-his face...
And of course, he goes for the bra. And of course, I smack him. Seriously? Why are guys such freaking morons?
After a while we drive down the street through this cute little town with all these local restaurants and shops only to stop at McDonald's. Apparently Super Size Me makes morons crave Big Macs. Again, he's quite the romantic. And, since I told him earlier I didn't eat fast food I'm guessing he was thinking he could get out of buying me lunch.
When, after what seemed like hours I finally get back to my car and back onto the interstate I can feel my entire body relax. It's kind of like when you're at the dentist, laying in that chair, feeling your whole body tense up and having no control of relaxing it, then it's finally over and you realize just how tightly wound you were. That's how I felt. My muscles were sore from flexing for three hours straight, just waiting for that fight or flight moment to be upon them.
(I just took a thirty minute break from writing this to see if I could find him on facebook. Nope.)
If you thought I'd stop talking to him after this, well, you'd be wrong. Because I didn't. In fact, he came to visit me when my parents were gone for the weekend. Stayed the whole night. He did that thing that guys do, you know, with their hands. I pretended I knew what the hell was going on. I pretended I found him attractive. I pretended the thought of touching his manly business didn't make me want to puke. It wasn't that I was against touching boy bits, just his.
And after he left I never talked to him again. He talked to me, mostly mean things about me being a liar and so forth. I'd like to say it hurt my feelings, however at this point I realized settling for someone just to say you have someone is stupid. Life lesson: learned. It's better to be alone than settle.
Especially when you're hot, and straightening irons, damn do they make me feel hot.
I feel like I could have gone into more detail but thinking about this guy still makes me cringe. I still hate myself a little or letting him touch me. Ough, audible shivers and gags.
Another thing I learned from this experience: just because a guy is dashing online doesn't automatically make him so in real life. Also, first dates are best had in the middle of the day, at a mutual, heavily public area, with a set time when you have to be somewhere else. Here is an example: "Lets meet for lunch at Panera at 12:30. But I have to be at work no later than 2." Of course, that work thing is a lie. That way if you really like the guy you can stay longer. If you really don't, then work is an hours drive away so you only have to stay thirty minutes. You'll thank me for this later.
Lauren
Next up: Boy-Kisser
Entry One: Okay, from the beginning,
I have been keeping track of every boy I have ever kissed from the very beginning. The list is small and started later than most, but each name has a story. Most of which I'd rather forget. But here they are, always to be remembered by someone, even if that someone is just Bruce, my computer.
So, to start, here is that list, with names slightly edited ;)
1) Super-Size Me (2005)
2) I-Kiss-Boys-To-Try-To-Get-A-Response From-You, but we'll just call him Brandon (2005)
3) Socks (September, 2005)
4) Curls (2005)
5) Mr. Big, you'll soon see why (1/26/2006)
6) Josh, the face rapist (2006)
7) Maeby (9/2007)
8) Seer, I'm sad to say this is his actual name (2/6/2008)
9) Republican (2/8/2008)
10) He-Man (8/2008)
11) Be-My Baby-Mamma (1/23/2009)
12) But-I Like-Boys (2/14/2009)
13) Halo (4/22/2009)
14) Lucas (4/24/2009)
15) Tan-Bear (10/12/2009)
16) Chris Daniel Hollywood, which, unfortunately, is what my head actually calls him (10/02/2011)
17) Glasses, which, unfortunately, is what my roommate actually calls him (11/10/2011)
18) CDH's Friend, jealousy is a bitch (12/2011)
And that's it. Every person I've ever kiss, slept with... all that other stuff-ed with are listed above. I cringe, blush, hide in the bushes at at least one thought from every single one of these boys.
Notice how I say boys? No, I'm not 12. 25 actually. But I've yet to meet a man I can actually call a man. If on this writing journey I find one, each and every one of you will be able to hear my screams of JOY, PLEASURE, PRAISE no matter where you are located on this large, but oh so small world.
First up, Super-Size Me...
But for now, time to go out and meet new boys for your listing pleasure,
Lauren
So, to start, here is that list, with names slightly edited ;)
1) Super-Size Me (2005)
2) I-Kiss-Boys-To-Try-To-Get-A-Response From-You, but we'll just call him Brandon (2005)
3) Socks (September, 2005)
4) Curls (2005)
5) Mr. Big, you'll soon see why (1/26/2006)
6) Josh, the face rapist (2006)
7) Maeby (9/2007)
8) Seer, I'm sad to say this is his actual name (2/6/2008)
9) Republican (2/8/2008)
10) He-Man (8/2008)
11) Be-My Baby-Mamma (1/23/2009)
12) But-I Like-Boys (2/14/2009)
13) Halo (4/22/2009)
14) Lucas (4/24/2009)
15) Tan-Bear (10/12/2009)
16) Chris Daniel Hollywood, which, unfortunately, is what my head actually calls him (10/02/2011)
17) Glasses, which, unfortunately, is what my roommate actually calls him (11/10/2011)
18) CDH's Friend, jealousy is a bitch (12/2011)
And that's it. Every person I've ever kiss, slept with... all that other stuff-ed with are listed above. I cringe, blush, hide in the bushes at at least one thought from every single one of these boys.
Notice how I say boys? No, I'm not 12. 25 actually. But I've yet to meet a man I can actually call a man. If on this writing journey I find one, each and every one of you will be able to hear my screams of JOY, PLEASURE, PRAISE no matter where you are located on this large, but oh so small world.
First up, Super-Size Me...
But for now, time to go out and meet new boys for your listing pleasure,
Lauren
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